The 'Convicts'

So, if things could not possibly get any worse, (I am constantly thinking things could not possibly get worse every minute and they always do.) I woke up today to find that someone had graffitied my house. In big, bold letters, it said:

CONVICTZ WUZ HER

Yeah, I was pretty confused, especially since I was still half asleep from the entire bottle of Nyquil I had just drank like three hours before. So I didn't really think much of it and pulled up a little piece of lawn to take a nice, long nap. When I woke up, again half asleep, it was because someone had taken all of my clothes off. This was unusual, as I pass out on my own lawn fairly regularly. They also smashed (and partially ate) my mailbox and left an easily traceable ransom note.

"GARY. IF U WaNT YR. ShIRT N SHIT BACK, GIVE US 500 BUCKS. BITCH. WE ARE A GANG. DON'T MESs WITH US OR WE WILL BEAT YOU UP SO BAD. - CONVICTZ"

Like I said, not hard to trace. First of all, it's a small town we live in and Saddam is the only person perpetually threatening me, (also, he is an idiot.) so I immediately assume he is in the gang. Second of all, the note was covered in dirt and dripping with slobber, so Cerberus must be in the gang. Other than that, TBA.

I can't believe my own dog joined a gang and spraypainted my house. I went out to scribble on his dog house with a magic marker, but he bit me. Three times.

To be continued...

Saddam

There is one person down here who I always actively avoid. His name is Saddam. He is just genuinely a really mean person. He's the kind of guy who gives you indian burns and kicks your dog (not that my dog cares anyways) and refuses to let you be Donkey Kong in MarioKart even though that is your favorite character. Yeah, he's mean, like mean mean.

The other day he showed up at my house, knocked on the door, and when I answered he was like "Hey bro, check out my new phone!" and I looked down and instead of pulling a phone out of his pocket, he just pulled his hand out with his three fingers sticking out and his thumb and pointer in a little circle. Then he said "you looked," punched me in the arm really hard, and left. I still have a bruise. I bruise easily.

He is also really tiny. I think as part of his punishment God made him a lot smaller than he was in his life, maybe to make him just annoying instead of actually threatening, or to indirectly punish me or play some kind of sick joke on me. He can fit into really small spaces like cupboards and drawers. He does this frequently just for a chance to jump out and scare people. Serious. He hid in the clean clothes in my laundry basket for like seven hours one day while I was at the club. Oh, did I mention I go to clubs?

The other day he threw a baseball through my window. No it wasn't an accident, he just did it, and those things are like rocks. And when I asked why he did that he just threw the ball at my face and rode off on his BMX.

What do I do to deserve these kinds of people? Is there just something inherently awful about me? Or are all people like this? I just don't know why I even exist.

I don't know why I even exist.

Well.

Yeah. Still alive. Always still alive.

I know it takes me like six months to build up the emotional constitution to write on this blog, and I'm sorry, but not really, because in a way I am only apologizing to myself for being a wimp because nobody reads this. I am going to try a new strategy. Talk less, and maybe people will give more of a shit.

So what's happened to me recently?

Well, since most of what I look forward to are holidays, let's talk about the most recent.

The Fourth of July.

You may ask, "but Gary? Are you American? Why would you celebrate an American holiday as someone who is from Hell?"

Shut up. I celebrate any holiday that will take my mind off of me being me, so one where a bunch of cheaply made explosives are blowing up everywhere and drowning out the horrible, grating voices of everyone around me and Cerberus' awful barking is particularly appealing.

Here's what happened. The first bottle rocket I lit went off and hit me straight in the eye.

I tried to go to bed, but then the fireworks kept me up. And after the fireworks kept me up, Cerberus barked all night. Finally, I just took like thirty sleeping pills and passed out. I woke up this afternoon.

So good morning. Happy fourth. I woke up with a headache. I am gonna try and sleep this off for like three months.