Christmas is in the (stale) Air (of the cave)

The Christmas season is upon us! Didn't think I'd live to see another one of these. Oh wait, yes I did. I've been alive forever.

For those of you unfamiliar with Christmas (yeah, right, get real, everybody knows about Christmas, and if they don't, then I will personally buy them a plane ticket to Saturn so they can be boring and dumb somewhere else.), it's the time of year when everyone gets together to celebrate Jesus' birthday and give each other presents.

This means it's also the time of year where everyone will get invited to a kickass Christmas party in heaven, excluding me and everyone down here. I don't want to believe that I suck too bad to get invited. But I do.

Seriously, in Heaven they have a ton of strobe lights and fog machines. Fog machines on clouds. That's the kind of excess that will be at this party. Unreal. Paris Hilton will probably be there too, and she will probably be naked.

But anyways, because it's that time of year, I'm sure you are all wondering, "What is Gary getting for all of the people he loves (is forced to tolerate) this year?" And if you're not wondering that, well...

Here is what I am planning on getting for my friends.

Adolf - that Rosetta Stone "learn English," program so he can communicate like a human being for once.

Cerberus - I got Cerberus a new bowl for Christmas, but he already ate it, along with all of the other presents, the wrapping paper, the tree, all of the lights, the ornaments, the tinsel, my Christmas spirit, and the little angel on top. He left the strings of popcorn. The strings of popcorn that happened to be the only edible thing in the Christmas vicinity.

Also, did I mention that he threw all of that shit up on the white rug later? Oh, except for my Christmas spirit. He digested that.

Saddam - Boxing gloves. He has really hard knuckles.

What's-his-name-my-therapist-with-the-tweed-pants - Altoids. Lots of them.

Phil Spector - I can't give him anything that he hasn't already taken.

St. Peter - I made him a nice sweater/robe in hopes that he would let me into Heaven for a while on Christmas. He opened it prematurely and sent a card that said "Thanks for the Snuggie."

Jesus/God/The Holy Spirit - I seriously need to find Jesus and those dudes the most AWESOME present and I can't seem to think of anything. Xbox 360? No, I bet they get a million Xbox 360's.

James Dean - I don't know, but I hope he gives me a lesson on being as cool as he is. Maybe I will get him some hair gel.

Marilyn Monroe - Dignity. Maybe if I give her some, she will give mine back.

Myself - A 360. Cerberus already ate the controllers though, and Madden. There goes my Christmas.