Christmas is in the (stale) Air (of the cave)

The Christmas season is upon us! Didn't think I'd live to see another one of these. Oh wait, yes I did. I've been alive forever.

For those of you unfamiliar with Christmas (yeah, right, get real, everybody knows about Christmas, and if they don't, then I will personally buy them a plane ticket to Saturn so they can be boring and dumb somewhere else.), it's the time of year when everyone gets together to celebrate Jesus' birthday and give each other presents.

This means it's also the time of year where everyone will get invited to a kickass Christmas party in heaven, excluding me and everyone down here. I don't want to believe that I suck too bad to get invited. But I do.

Seriously, in Heaven they have a ton of strobe lights and fog machines. Fog machines on clouds. That's the kind of excess that will be at this party. Unreal. Paris Hilton will probably be there too, and she will probably be naked.

But anyways, because it's that time of year, I'm sure you are all wondering, "What is Gary getting for all of the people he loves (is forced to tolerate) this year?" And if you're not wondering that, well...

Here is what I am planning on getting for my friends.

Adolf - that Rosetta Stone "learn English," program so he can communicate like a human being for once.

Cerberus - I got Cerberus a new bowl for Christmas, but he already ate it, along with all of the other presents, the wrapping paper, the tree, all of the lights, the ornaments, the tinsel, my Christmas spirit, and the little angel on top. He left the strings of popcorn. The strings of popcorn that happened to be the only edible thing in the Christmas vicinity.

Also, did I mention that he threw all of that shit up on the white rug later? Oh, except for my Christmas spirit. He digested that.

Saddam - Boxing gloves. He has really hard knuckles.

What's-his-name-my-therapist-with-the-tweed-pants - Altoids. Lots of them.

Phil Spector - I can't give him anything that he hasn't already taken.

St. Peter - I made him a nice sweater/robe in hopes that he would let me into Heaven for a while on Christmas. He opened it prematurely and sent a card that said "Thanks for the Snuggie."

Jesus/God/The Holy Spirit - I seriously need to find Jesus and those dudes the most AWESOME present and I can't seem to think of anything. Xbox 360? No, I bet they get a million Xbox 360's.

James Dean - I don't know, but I hope he gives me a lesson on being as cool as he is. Maybe I will get him some hair gel.

Marilyn Monroe - Dignity. Maybe if I give her some, she will give mine back.

Myself - A 360. Cerberus already ate the controllers though, and Madden. There goes my Christmas.

Jesus (sorry, dude), It's been a long time since I wasn't too depressed to write!

Hello everybody!

By everybody, I mean nobody.

Hello everybody, how are you? It's been a long time since I have given two shits enough to write my particularly witty thoughts and feelings down and publish them on the Internet. Why? Two reasons:

1) Nobody cares about me.

2)

I guess that was just one reason. For some reason it seemed like two when it was in my head. Or maybe I just forgot the second one because I was too busy thinking about the first one. Let me remind you all, why nobody cares about me, again, in a numbered list. It is, after all, the season for lists.

1) I live in an oppressively hot cave in the center of the earth, on a dimensional level different from the one that you, the reader, are currently living on. (Fortunately, the Internet has "connected" us. And no, not "or unfortunately" for you. Don't be a dick.)

2) I also live on a different dimensional level of "cool."
- Seriously, it's like the 4th dimension of "cool."
- Apparently, the 4th dimension of "cool" isn't good enough for Jesus, and James Dean and St. Peter and all the guys up there.
- Yes, James Dean and Marilyn Monroe do make out up there like every day, and if I could put it on the Internet, I would, because I would seriously be able to cash in on that.
- I asked Marilyn on a date and she told me to meet her in the sewer. I went to the sewer. She said that since I was so full of hot air, I could help recreate her famous tableaux.
- I hated myself for months after I did that.

3) All my friends and the people I know live on the 1st dimension of "cool," which sucks. For them. But mostly, for me also, because I am trapped with them in this sucky cave. And they suck.
- Adolf has started self-flagellation.
- Saddam is still mean as shit, all the time.
- Cerberus goes through like five bags of IAMS a day. Actually, that would be a gross understatement.
- Phil Spector (I know, what is he even doing here?) has seriously overproduced all of my hip-hop albums.

4) I am apparently a bleak, lecherous social leper. Who lives in a cave. Did I mention a cave?

Happy Thanksgiving. Cerberus ate the fucking turkey down here. Hope your three headed monster dog didn't eat your turkey. Really, I am being sincere.

5) I am an insincere, insecure...

Really though, Happy Thanksgiving.